Tag Archives: people

Community defined

10 Thursday Aug 2017

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How do you define community?

I guess part of the way you answer the question has to do with the context.  How we define community in relation to a community park should be different to how we define community in relation to a church.

in relation to a church, how would you define community?

Here’s some things that I thing relate to what a community is in relation to church – trust, people, commonality, values, direction, respect, value, humanity.

Each of these, of course, has a definition too, but for the sake of not boring you all to death, I’ll stop with the downward spiral into definitions that only a true work nerd would care about.

Instead, here’s my stab at defining community.   A community is build on a foundation of trust.  Sitting on top of that foundation is a group of people who hold values, respect, and a vision in common.  Theses building blocks set guidelines for how the people in a community interact and recognize one another’s humanity.

A bit wordy, I know.

Maybe a simpler version would be – a community is a group of people who recognize others as having value because they care about similar things and also recognize that together, each person gains far more than going it alone.

So what is a church community?  A group of people who have a similar belief system, to band together to support one another in order to carry out the mission of the church – to make more disciples.

How would you define community in relation to church?

 

Changing the world

06 Thursday Jul 2017

Posted by in Humanity, Organizational theory, Theology

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Just a quick thought for the day:

Even if you think most people aren’t capable or competent, remember, Jesus did some amazing things and started a movement with a group of uneducated men and women – outcasts in their society.  Because of the people Jesus surrounded himself with and empowered, he changed the course of history and changed the world.  And it is still changing today.

You don’t need only the best and the brightest.  Just like on a sports team – you don’t really want a team of superstars.  It’s a recipe for failure.  Instead, you just need people who are willing and able, and have nothing to lose.  People who make the mission and vision their own and do what they can to move everyone closer to that vision.  With that, you can conquer and/or change the world.

What is church? part 2

27 Thursday Apr 2017

Posted by in Church, Theology

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Yesterday I took a stab at the question of What is church?  I received some great comments from that post – both in person and online.  Thank you.

Today I saw a beer ad that I think pretty much sums up what church should be like.  It’s an ad for Heineken.  Instead of explaining it, click the link, and scroll down to the video, or you can watch the video directly here:

This is a powerful ad.  And I think very honest too – which makes it powerful.

I can attest to the fact that when you get people who would normally disagree with each other (or worse) to sit down and eat together or have a drink together, something happens.  Food and drinks have a way of leveling equalizing people.  They have a way to drawing people together.  They could have nothing else in common, but the mere fact that two people eat or drink together means that they do have something in common – basic humanity and the needs of living – food and drink.

Church should be like this.  I think there is precedent for this too.  Jesus ate his way through the Gospels.  He ate with Pharisees and with tax collectors and a whole host of other people.  One of most remembered moments is the Last Supper.  Jesus knew the power of bringing people together and sharing a meal with them.

I have pastor friends who have started dinner churches and speak about the amazing things that happen at these gatherings.

When I was in Finland, I used the analogy of going to a bar to describe what the liturgy was all about.  A friend at the University didn’t understand church and what went on, so I explained it this way – we came together looking forward to spending time together in this bar.  That’s the gathering section of the liturgy.  Then we’ve been talking about God and life.  That’s the Word section.  Now we are sharing some drinks and food together.  We don’t agree about everything, yet we’re able to be here together sharing food and enjoying each other’s company.  That’s the Meal portion.  From here we’ll leave looking forward to the next time we can gather.  That’s the Sending.

What we saw in the ad was the liturgy in a very practical form.  What they experienced was God’s grace and without the words being said – forgiveness.  They saw the humanity and the frailty and the guilt in the other person and chose to look past all of that without judgement.  It that’s not what church is all about ultimately, I don’t know what is.

 

The unexpected

30 Thursday Mar 2017

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Longwood Gardens has many unexpected things.

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You know, a tree that looks like it’s made of bananas: (it looked like that to me when I first glanced at it.)

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Lesson for church: things aren’t always the way you expect them to be. Things aren’t always the way you see them the first time either.  True of things and people.  Probably more important that this is true about people.

Control

16 Thursday Mar 2017

Posted by in Church, Politics, Society

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Humans love to be in control.  We love to determine who gets what and how much.  We’re really good at it too – or we should be given how so much of human history is made up about humans squabbling to control land, people, resources, etc.  In reality though we suck at control.

Most of our political battles are about control over something.  Take immigration.  The battle over immigration is about who gets to enter, how much they can get harassed, and how assimilated they need to be.

Same thing with poverty. The battle of control is over who gets what and how.  With poverty, there are assumptions made – that if you are poor you shouldn’t have anything (anything at all) that is “nice.” The assumption is that poor people are supposed to be miserable all the time.  So those that can implement policies that make sure they can control how the poor feel – miserable.

Politicians are big on control.  So are churches so very often.  Politics and organizational religion is often very focused on controlling what you can do and what you must believe and who you can talk with.  It’s been this way for a long time.  Jesus got himself in trouble for doing things that went against the norm, for restating the Law, and for hanging out with the scum of society.

Of course, not all politicians and not all religious leaders or denominations are control freaks.

Here’s the thing with having and using control over others.  Often it becomes subjective.  Those in control get to determine who the good guys are and who the bad guys are, who’s in and who’s out.  The problem comes when you go to a different jurisdiction (somewhere where other people are in control).  There is often a different set of good and bad guys.  They could, in fact, be the exact opposite of what you just experienced.  It’s all based on context and preference.  Mostly it ends up being someone in control determining who’s in and who’s out.  And then lots of people rationalize it to make sense of it.  There must be a reason, don’t you know.

Maybe if we spend less time trying to control people and more time trying to help people, we’d be better off.  But then again, we’d have to admit that we don’t have all the answers.  And then what? We’d have to get along with people.  Scary, isn’t it?  Control offers stability.  Yet, at what price?

Here’s a way to “fix” the country

15 Wednesday Mar 2017

Posted by in Humanity, Humor, Politics, Society

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Want to fix what’s wrong with the country.  I have a solution.  We just had a snow storm with at least a foot of snow.  And I think this might be the solution for “fixing” the country.  Yes – snow.  Of all the solutions for the country, I bet you never saw this coming.  I bet you were thinking about some great policy initiative, or electing some great politician or leader, or something of that nature.  Nope – snow is the answer.  Here’s why:

We live in the Mid-Atlantic region of the USA.  Monday night into Tuesday morning we were hit with a nice snow storm that dropped over a foot of snow.  Schools were closed.  Things were delayed.  And inevitably, people started to come out of their homes to start shoveling and clearing out their walkways, sidewalks, and driveways.  Neighbors help each other, greet each other, show appreciation, and stop and talk with each other.  It’s a time to catch up and meet people we haven’t had the chance to meet before.

Doesn’t sound much like a solution, does it?  Well, here’s the thing.  As I cleared out my driveway, I watched as people helped each other – people who not so long ago were divided politically between Trump and Clinton supporters.  And here they were, setting all that aside to help one another out – joyfully too.

When it comes down to it, I don’t think the problems we face in this country have much to do with policy.  Sure, policy impacts people – make no mistake about that.  But that’s not the root of the problems – that’s more of a symptom.  I think if we dig down deeper we’d see the real problem.  We have a habit of not trusting one another.  And so, we treat each other less than we should.

But throw in a snow storm and see how much people change.  We break down barriers because we have a common cause.  We express gratitude because we recognize that we can’t go it alone.  We talk with people, even people we don’t like, because we see their humanity and how much they are just like us.

No policy and no leader can bring this kind of change.  There isn’t a speech or a slogan that can do it.  Nope, just regular life mixed with nature.  Imagine that.  And yet, there are so many that think that politics is the solution.  Maybe it’s more of a problem than a solution.  Snow, now that’s the solution.

How to talk with someone who wants to fight

07 Tuesday Feb 2017

Posted by in Health, Humanity, Politics, Society

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Have you ever come across someone who sees the world differently from you?  To the point that the only way they are interested in talking is if you just agree with their position?  Any disagreement or difference of opinion immediately puts the person into attack mode.

How do you deal with someone like that?  How do you talk with someone who sees life through the lens of war – fighting and winning at all costs on any subject?

First, I’m going to assume you have a different mindset – that disagreement isn’t a war, but an opportunity to learn and grow.

Second, recognize that what’s going on is that you and the other person are on different planets, with different cultures, and that speak different languages.  It’s really helpful to think of conflict situations in this way.  If you visited another country that speaks a different language, would you get into an argument with a person there?  I don’t think so.  I think you’d recognize that you are a visitor and don’t know the customs, the nuance of the language, or the history.  Dealing with someone who has a conflict mentality in this way can be very helpful.

This situation isn’t like a normal conversation.  Anything you say, can and will be used against you.  So you have to take a different approach.

You can’t control what the other person says or does.  But you can control what you do.  And the best way to deal with such a person is with dignity, even if the other person is extremely disrespectful or worse.  We act with dignity by being who we truly are, who God calls us to be.  That doesn’t mean we start to yell back.  But rather, we speak softly and with compassion.  We show love.  And we look out for our safety and the safety of the other person.  And sometimes that means figuring out the fastest path away from the situation.

As much as we don’t want to admit it, there are just those people out there who are a real pain in the ass.  They are never going to agree with you.  They are never going to see what you or the organization or ideals that you represent with any positive light.  Ever.  Get out of arguing with the person – that focuses on the head.  And you are never going to change their mind.  Instead, talk to the heart, if you have to engage at all.  The heart is where change occurs.

 

An exercise in imagination

06 Monday Feb 2017

Posted by in Politics, Theology, Uncategorized

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Let’s play a game for a moment.  Pick a controversial issue.  Any issue.  Try picking something that are pretty adamant about.

Now imagine being on the other side of that issue.  After you get past the initial feelings of anger or frustration or whatever, go past that to something deeper.

Think about the argument of this opposing position.  Get past the memes and one liners that you are used to seeing.  Start to think about what supporters of this position are actually arguing for.

Think through how you could come to a conclusion that makes sense. This is important, because I can guarantee that people come to their conclusions for reasons that make sense to them.  When we can start to see how the opposing side comes to their conclusions, it changes the way we interact.  We start to discover that we’re not as far separated as we thought.  In many cases we even discover that there is overlap and similarities in what we both want.  Often, the difference come out in how we get there.

This is a good exercise, but it’s not easy.  It’s never easy to let go of what we think is the only logical and reasonable way to look at any issue and consider an alternative.  That’s doesn’t mean you have to agree with the decision or even like it.  But I know that you’ll come away with a little more understanding of your opposition – and maybe even see the humanity in them.

How to deal with critics, haters, trolls, and others who don’t like you

11 Wednesday Jan 2017

Posted by in Church, Humanity, Politics

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Did I catch your interest?  I’m not surprised.  Given our age of instant communication and where everyone has a voice, we’re bound to come across plenty of people who just don’t like us or our ideas.

Let’s be clear though, there is a degree of variation in the “not liking us.” Some people stay reasonable – they merely want to criticize an idea or belief.  They argue about the idea or belief and don’t take it to the personal level. I’m not talking about these people in this article.  I’ve had wonderful conversations with people I disagree with on a host of issues.  There’s a great deal to learn from people who disagree with you and are critical of your ideas and beliefs.  These people are more helpful than harmful.

I’m talking about people who are convinced they are right and they will tear you down to prove it.  I’m talking about people who seem to be brain-washed:  When you look at them or speak to them, it’s as if they don’t register what’s going on – you feel like you would have better luck talking with a wall.  I’m talking about people who interrupt you or don’t listen to what you have to say – ever.  I’m talking about people who shame, dehumanize, label, and seek out conflict.  They thrive on conflict.

I think you get the idea of the type of people I’m talking about.

So how do we deal with people like this?  There’s lots of answers to this question.  A better question may be how do you effectively deal with people like this?  Let’s define “effectively” first.  When you realize the person you are dealing with isn’t interested in having a conversation, but only in being right, shouting at you, tearing you down in the process, or bullying you, I would argue that “effectively” here means to end the interaction as peacefully as possible, as quickly as possible.

I have a long history in politics.  I have come across many of these people in my years of politics.  Politics attracts many irrational people.  I think it has something to do with fitting it, seeking identity, and being a part of a group.  these type of people thrive on the political environment.  Getting a response is what these people desire.  They want you drawn in and at their emotional level – irrational.  As I learned so long ago – don’t argue with an idiot, they will bring you down to their level, and then beat you from years of experience.  The same is true for irrational people.

Here’s a couple vital points, regardless of whether you are dealing with this person in person or online.

  1. You aren’t in a conversation.  A conversation involves give and take, listening and speaking, considering the other person as an equal.  Instead you are in an interaction.  The other person isn’t thinking rationally.  They don’t see you or hear you.  They are consumed with their own rightness and ideas.  They believe they are on a mission from God.  You aren’t going to change their mind because they aren’t open to change.  You might as well as them to change into a zebra.  It ain’t gonna happen.  This point is vital because it sets you up for the next one.  If you violate this point, be prepared – you’re going to get sucked in and there is no way out rationally.
  2. The person desires attention.  In case you haven’t learned the lesson from the 2016 presidential lesson, here it is.  You want to grab attention – say outrageous things and watch how people get sucked in to responding.  Attention gives affirmation.  Attention is like a drug – you get a hit from it.  Why else would reality TV be so popular – anyone can be a star and get attention!  Attention means that your ideas and beliefs must be valid if the other person is responding to them.  Attention is value.  Attention is important for someone so consumed by being right and forcing others into their belief system.  It is an affirmation of oneself.

So with these vital point in mind, how do we deal with a difficult person like this.  Here are some techniques:

  1. Stay calm.  Don’t get sucked into their emotional tornado.  Recognize what is happening. Don’t worry about answering their questions or accusations.  Compose yourself.  I was at a rally where the group I was with was severely outnumbered.  At one point some large men came over to us, surrounded us in order to intimidate us.  I grabbed the attention of our group and told them not to move or do anything.  Just stay calm and ignore anything that was said.  Then I went to the large men, told them very calmly and looked them in the eye and said that we weren’t going to be intimidated.  Then I just stood there in locked eye contact with the leader and didn’t say anything.  My facial features were calm.  After a few tense moments, the group stepped off and backed away.  Calm worked.
  2.  Don’t respond, pivot. Responding only gives credibility to the person and their ideas and beliefs and how they treat others.  Don’t go to their level.  Think through what the ideal is for you and move towards that.
  3. Agree.  The best way to end an interaction, that I have found, is to just simply agree with the person.  They can’t fight and argue with someone that is agreeing with everything they say.  They may get upset that you are agreeing, but realize then that the issue was never about the ideas or beliefs at all – it was about getting attention.  One of the best statements I have learned to say to someone like this is “You’re absolutely right.”  It usually takes a few times for them to register what I said, but eventually they hear it.  And they don’t know know what to do, so they move on.  Here’s the thing.  Just because you said you agree with an irrational person, doesn’t mean you actually agree with them.  So often people state things with “I” statements, so all you are really doing is agreeing that what they said was their opinion or belief.  And well, that’s true – it is their opinion or belief.
  4. Don’t take the bait. Sometimes these people will attempt to find something that is important to you and poke at it, just to get a response.  I was at a rally one time and one of the opposition poked a friend of mine by saying that he hoped my friend’s brother would die in war.  It worked – my friend responded and off it went.  I get it.  When something or someone close to you is attacked, we want to defend it.  But with an irrational person, you are only feeding the fire.  You have to have a thick skin and remind yourself that the other person is flailing around and attempting to reach out for something.
  5. Walk away.  Yes, just walk away. And don’t listen to the insults they hurl your way as they do.  Don’t respond.  Don’t look back.  Don’t acknowledge the person in any way – just turn and walk away.  It may seem like you are losing the fight, but in reality, you were never going to win it anyway – the rules were stacked against you.  Take a loss and keep your safety and dignity in not engaging in irrational behavior or talk.
  6. Ignore the person.  Ignore the person as if they aren’t there at all.  This takes some patience and practice.  They won’t like it and they will do what they can to get your attention.  Don’t give it to them.  I was at another rally years ago and found a reporter friend who was covering the event.  We were having a nice chat during the rally when someone from the opposition came over and started yelling at me their slogans and rhetoric.  I engaged for a moment only to realize I was talking with someone who wasn’t interested in a conversation.  So I quick broke my eye contact with the person and went back to talking with my friend where we left off.  After about 30 seconds, the other person realized I wasn’t going to engage and left.

These tactics may sound harsh.  They may sound impersonal.  They may even sound dehumanizing – not paying attention to someone else could be considered a major insult.  You may be wondering, where is the mercy and grace that I preach about.  It’s there actually.  By not engaging or going where the person is, you are being merciful and showing grace.

Realize, I’m not talking about the average person here – I’m talking about someone who is irrationally acting.  They aren’t totally there at that moment in time.  The point of these tactics is your own safety and sanity – not to get sucked into the irrationality and contribute to the problem.

Often times irrationality sets in when there is a mass of people – especially at rallies and protests.  Mob thinking sets in which means individual thinking is turned off.  You aren’t dealing with an individual at that moment, but a mob mentality – and mobs are not safe for anyone.  One piece of good advice – avoid large crowds, rallies, and protests.  This is where you will find the most irrational behavior and speaking.  If you feel the need to protest something, find another way – write a letter, make a phone call, work on someone’s campaign, talk with people, etc.

Lastly, here’s a piece of advice that I try to practice more and more – pray for the person. Don’t pray one of those prayers that shows how right you are and how wrong they are.  Instead pray for the person’s well-being.  Pray that the person gets the attention they need from people who can actually help them.  Pray that all who interact with the person would remain calm and be safe.  Pray for peace.  Pray that the person would experience God’s love and mercy.  When we pray like that, we change how we interact with people.

Leaving Iceland

30 Friday Sep 2016

Posted by in Travel

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Iceland was a wonderful place to visit.  We loved being there and wished we could have been there longer.  There are so many places to explore – you could be busy for years.

We were glad to have the chance to be there about a week before heading back to the US.  It was a nice way to transition from our year in Finland back to the US.

With this being my last post on Iceland, I’ll leave you with a random fact – Iceland loves trolls and other magical people.  In fact, the people there build homes for these mythical creatures.  Which seems fitting, given how wonderfully nice the people of Iceland are.  Here’s the last view of Iceland.

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